Supporting the Trauma Survivors in Your Life
If you’re reading this, you likely know someone who has had something potentially traumatic happen to them. When we’re talking about trauma it’s important to remember there is a scope of trauma, a range of experiences that may be experienced as traumatic by a person. I often talk about uppercase “T” Trauma and lowercase “t” trauma (and the blurry in between of experiences). Uppercase “T” Trauma might be something like clear abuse or neglect; lowercase “t” trauma might be something more like a misattuned parent (think: not emotionally available) or a parental divorce.
The trauma-informed question that has been popularized by a book Oprah co-wrote with psychiatrist Bruce Perry is “what happened to you?” This question moves away from the more shame-inducing question “what’s wrong with you?” and into a more curious and compassionate space. When you have someone around you who you know has experienced trauma, this is the first invitation in service of supporting them: be curious and compassionate. It is not uncommon for people to minimize their own experiences or feel shame about them. It takes a lot of courage for a trauma survivor to begin to tell their story. You can support them well by first being a good listener and maintaining a stance of curiosity and compassion.
In somatic therapy approaches to treating trauma, the first line of intervention we are taught to bring to trauma therapy is time and space. Because trauma is often the result of an experience that is “too much, too fast, too soon”, or in the case of neglect, “too little, too late,” to offer time and space is to begin the process of healing, to begin to undo some of the intensity of a traumatic event. To listen well is to offer the time and space that a trauma survivor needs.
Many trauma survivors have had their experiences minimized by others at one time or another. Their story maybe wasn’t believed by someone they tried to tell or maybe they were told something like, “it wasn’t a big deal,” “just let it go,” “that was a long time ago.” These are all responses that encourage a trauma survivor to bury their experiences deeper, and subsequently make way for more shame over what happened to them. When you listen well to their story, it lets them know that you believe them, that their experience matters, and that regardless of how long ago this happened, it is never too late to speak about and begin the process of healing.
As the friend or family member of a trauma survivor, it’s important to also know when your loved one would benefit from talking to a professional. With trauma, we can very easily get in sticky territory that may be out of our depth. We want to wade gently into those waters and know when to kindly say to someone, “I’m so sorry this happened to you. And this really matters. Maybe you should talk to someone.” Sometimes getting professional help from a therapist or counselor is the difference between trauma that gets sort of stuck, lodged in the body, and sure to manifest in all manner of unpleasant or unwanted ways (this is unprocessed trauma), and trauma that is acknowledged, integrated, given time and space to heal, and no longer holding such power over the mind and body. So tuck this phrase in your back pocket for the next hard story you hear, “This would be a really valuable thing to talk to a therapist about.” It is kind to you, and it is kind to them to hold this kind of gentle boundary.
People who have unresolved trauma are likely to also have somewhat sensitive nervous systems. They might feel more easily triggered, reactive, upset, bothered, disappointed, tearful, etc. As a general rule of thumb for moving through the world these days, it’s wise for us all to be mindful of those among us who are trauma survivors and may yet be dealing with the effects of unresolved trauma. This is an invitation to practice sensitivity, to be a trauma-informed storyteller and conversationalist. While not at all the same thing as walking on eggshells or hypervigilance, this is an opportunity to soften, pause before speaking, watch out for an insensitive joke, in order to support the trauma survivors among us.
To summarize, there are a few key ways you can support the trauma survivors in your life:
Be curious
Offer compassion
Listen well
Validate the effect of what’s happened
Encourage them to seek professional guidance
Practice trauma-informed social engagement
It can feel like a lot to support a loved one who is recovering from trauma. Or perhaps you are a trauma survivor yourself. If this is you, if it would feel helpful to talk to someone about trauma therapy, I hope you’ll reach out.