While we all experience major life transitions, there are a few significant moments that can be especially profound in the lives of women. The kind of major life transitions I’m thinking of can bring up a lot of emotions and can impact the kind of coping skills or resources we need to manage these changes well.

For many women, the transition into parenting is a big one. Let’s be real, moms and parents at large just have a lot on their plates. It can feel overwhelming on a daily basis. Many of the themes that seem to come up for new moms are around not having enough space and time, noticing an increase in reactivity and emotional intensity, difficulty sharing household duties with co-parent and partner, loss of coping skills, loneliness and loss of connection with friends, anxiety and stress around raising a child, loss of individual identity. The list could go on, but these are the big ticket concerns that many new moms face. It seems important to first underline: You are not alone. These are common concerns and things that are really worth making space for through emotional processing and additional support. And there is nothing wrong with you for experiencing these challenges. One of the worst things you could do is pretend it’s not happening. Let your trusted people know how you’re feeling and what you need.

Logistics aside, becoming a mom is a big role and identity shift. Without adequate support, this kind of major life transition sometimes returns later in life when women become empty nesters and feel the vacancy of a self they shelved long ago, when their role and identity shifted into “mom.” This is another major life transition that many women benefit from support around. For many women who find themselves without children at home for the first time, it might feel like both a relief and a loss to have a child-free home again. This can be an exciting time for many women, where there is new time and energy for non-parenting pursuits. It can also feel disorienting, for moms who have been primarily oriented to supporting their kids, it can require a bit of re-orienting and reconfiguring to find a renewed sense of purpose and self.

The other side of the parenting coin is the one in which a woman is not having kids. This could be the result of a conscious, intentional choice, or perhaps the more painful result of infertility, age, illness, lack of resources, ambivalence, lack of partner support, etc. This too is a major life transition, whether by design or by circumstance, and one we more often miss when all eyes are turned to supporting the overwhelmed parents among us. This is an important life moment to give space to, making room for any feelings that arise.

I often think that on either side of the coin, the parenting side or the not-parenting side, there is grief. There may be a sense of loss any way you slice it. And when you frame it like that, it might need some careful attending-to. Whether childlessness is happening to you or you’re choosing it, I hope you’ll know first: You are not alone. There are many women sharing in this experience. Just as I hope the overwhelmed moms among us are talking about how they’re doing with the people around them, I hope the amazing women among us who are not moms are also getting good support. There can be both grief and relief in a childfree life. In her book Women Without Kids, Ruby Warrington asks, “What is ‘woman’ if not ‘mother’? Anything she wants to be.” I hope we can make space for a stage of life free of regret, shame, and self-doubt.

In bringing awareness to these major life transitions for women, my hope is to first normalize the experience. Second, I want to normalize the breadth of emotions that can come with these experiences––grief, relief, shame, guilt, excitement. I hope we can make space for naming and feeling the scope of feelings that arise.

If you would benefit from talking to someone about a transition into parenting, empty nesting, or being a childless woman, I hope you’ll reach out. I’d be glad to talk about how attachment therapy can help support you during this season in your life.

Major Life Transitions for Women: Motherhood, Childlessness, and Empty Nesting