How to Support Grief and Those Who Are Grieving
If you’ve found yourself here, you likely know someone who is grieving or are grieving yourself. It can be hard to figure out how to navigate a season of grief, how to support those around us who are grieving. We don’t get a lot of guidance on this and our culture doesn’t necessarily set us up well. It’s not uncommon to feel kind of uncomfortable and unsure of yourself when around someone who is grieving.
If you’re wondering how to support grief and those around you who are grieving, here are a few places to start:
Make space for emotions, validate what you hear, and don’t be afraid of the feelings that arise.
It’s so important that we first and foremost, make space for the feelings associated with loss. By being with the feelings expressed, you’re inviting emotional processing and letting them know it’s ok to feel and express this. Validation might sound something like, “It makes sense you’re feeling that” “I feel some of that too.” “Of course you miss them.” Emotional validationg can actually reduce some of the intensity of the feeling.Ask: “What do you miss about them?”
Because we can feel so uncomfortable in grief, sometimes we miss the opportunity to ask this simple question. It’s a beautiful invitation to remember the lost loved one and hear how they impacted someone/the world.Take the question a step further: “I’d love to hear a story about them, if you’d like to share.”
I was asked this question once and it was such a wonderful invitation to share a meaningful story with someone who never met them. Story sharing is a powerful way to talk about emotion and remember a person’s impact on the world. With a trusted person, it is also a way you can cue your nervous system that it’s ok to talk about them, it’s ok to remember them, and there is space for the emotion that might arise in doing so.Offer specific support.
You likely have heard an offer of support that’s something like, “Let us know if you need anything.” While a very well-intentioned offer, in grief it can be really hard to know what you need, much less communicate it. Some of us have complicated relationships with asking for help. Instead, try offering specific support that doesn’t require much communication or reflection to receive, “We made soup for you! Can we drop it off Thursday after work?” Or, “I’m headed to the grocery store today. Send me your list!”Offer mindful distractions.
The flipside of making space for emotions, is allowing for welcome distractions. Consider a walk, a puzzle, playing music, or watching a movie together. When I sense someone might benefit from a distraction, I usually ask something like, “Would it feel nice to distract your mind a little? How about coming over for a movie this weekend?”Consider a ritual to honor the loss.
Light a candle, read a poem, listen to a song, make a drawing. Is there a creative thing, a symbol, or a ritual that connects to the loss? When I lost a grandparent and couldn’t attend the funeral, I invited two friends on a memorial bike ride. It allowed me to connect to my sense of loss and share it with others through a small ritual.Practice awe and wonder. Keep enjoying the world.
So often losing someone highlights how precious this life really is. It can provide welcome perspective on how much there is to treasure and enjoy. For those of us who carry on living, for as long as we have, I hope we can take in the wonders around us. The perfectly formed spider web, the morning birdsong, the warm embrace of a loved one, the taste and smell of a comforting meal. For those we have lost, I hope we can keep enjoying the world for them.
If you or someone you know is experiencing grief and loss, I hope you’ll be gentle with yourself. If it would be helpful to talk to someone, I hope you’ll reach out to find out how somatic therapy can support you through your grief.