What to do with the guilt we feel

Feelings of guilt and shame are pervasive in therapy. It’s important to first understand the difference between the two emotions. Guilt is the feeling that says “I’ve done something bad”; whereas, shame is the feeling that says “I am bad.” Shame tends to be more connected to a sense that “there’s something wrong with me.” More on shame later; for now, let’s tackle guilt: what to do with all the guilt you feel. 

For most of us, we are socialized to feel a sense of guilt when we’ve done something or said something that was hurtful or harmful. In its simplest form, guilt is really the feeling that lets us know when we’ve done something wrong. In that sense, guilt can be really helpful! How great that we have this little internal system that cues us when we have lost sight of our north star.

Sometimes, our guilt can get a little out of control. For women especially, there can be a strong, unconscious bias towards feelings of guilt, a tendency to take responsibility or feel bad for something, even if it’s not yours to be responsible for. As humans, we have all kinds of thoughts and feelings, and sometimes they don’t speak the truth. There are some ways we can check in with our thoughts and feelings to suss out if they are accurate. 

If guilt is the feeling that lets you know you’ve done something wrong, let’s ask it: “Well, have I?” If the answer is no, the guilt has got to go. You’ve discovered the guilt isn’t really accurate and it no longer applies. “Thanks, guilt, but I’m good.” Sometimes we need to check our feelings.

If you ask the guilt, “have I done something wrong?” and the answer is “yes,” then we can mend it. If we’ve lost our north star, we’re out of alignment with our values, we’ve hurt someone or let someone down, and our guilt is letting us know, while it’s a painful truth, it’s one we have the agency to respond to. Is there some kind of internal rupture where you might have let yourself down, lost sight of your own needs/values/boundaries? Can you acknowledge this and forgive yourself? Or is there someone else you’ve hurt or let down, who you wish you had treated or responded to differently? If so, you can repair it. Let them know what your guilt has revealed to you, take responsibility, make amends, ask for forgiveness, maybe let them know what you’re working on. The guilt has done its job. 

If you want to take it one step further, what’s one thing that would put you back in alignment with your north star? If you think of your north star as your guiding light, the principles and values that you hold, is there one thing you could do that would honor that north star of yours? Maybe it’s quality time with a trusted friend, or some much needed self-care. Maybe it’s better boundaries at work, or a regular grounding practice. Choose one thing you can practice that reinforces your sense of being back on track. This will help to reset your mind-body system and create momentum to move you further outside of that guilt/shame space. Click here for more on attachment therapy.

Guilt is an unpleasant and uncomfortable feeling. But there are some real ways we can respond to it. Sometimes it's there for a good reason; sometimes it’s not. Let’s find out so you know how to respond to it.